Despite popular belief, BDSM isn’t all about discipline and punishment. Sometimes, it’s about getting or giving a wholesome compliment for sexual gratification. Part of BDSM can actually be hearing praises like “you’re such a good girl” or “you’re doing really well” during sex. If that sounds like a great time to you, you might have a praise kink. Speaking to experts, we’re uncovering what it really means to have a praise kink and how you can tell if you have one.
Getting praise is obviously a pretty universally enjoyed experience. But for some, a compliment can result in a turn-on.
In the kink community — a world where most activities revolve around discipline and punishment — it might feel refreshing to see positive reinforcement incorporated in play. On TikTok, praise kinks have become the hot new talking point. Thousands of users are making videos about the phrases that get them all hot and bothered, or videos that help viewers find out if they, too, have a praise kink. The praise kink hashtag has more than 13 million views right now. In one video, a woman lip syncs to Selena Gomez’s “Same Old Love” while listing the phrases she loves, like “show me,” “you’re doing such a good job” and “you feel so good,” captioned “praise kink is crazy.” In another video, user ‘daddy is here’ lists off the zodiac signs most likely to have a praise kink.
However, there seems to be a bit of confusion in the TikTok community over what constitutes a praise kink, and what’s just a loving compliment. Word to the wise: TikTok is rife with misinformation about kink, so be mindful of your sources of kink education.
What is a praise kink?
Natasha Ivanovic, Intimacy Expert at sex toy company Kiiroo tells Mashable that a praise kink is, simply put, a kink or fetish for affirmation, praise or positive feedback, which is sometimes mixed with other BDSM practices.
Many people with this kink get aroused by praises such as “you’re a good girl/boy,” “you’re doing such a good job,” “you’re so perfect,” and “you really know how to do…”
“It’s been growing in popularity recently after featuring in the Sally Rooney novel Beautiful World, Where Are You in the relationship between Simon and Eileen and is talked about a lot on BDSM TikTok,” she says. “The difference between having a praise kink and just being super into compliments, is your internal response.”
She continues, “Most people find praise and compliments from a partner to be uplifting. But not everyone experiences a strong sexual response. If your partner’s praising arouses you then this is more than just enjoying a compliment.”
Rihannon John, sexologist at Bedbible, says people with a praise kink get turned on by their partners giving them compliments inside and outside of the bedroom. These compliments can vary, but many people with this kink get aroused by praises such as “you’re a good girl/boy,” “you’re doing such a good job,” “you’re so perfect,” and “you really know how to do…”
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She adds that, when thinking about praise kinks, it’s helpful to understand the difference between a kink and a fetish. “While these terms are often used interchangeably, there is a distinct difference between a kink and a fetish,” she explains.
A fetish is a sexual fixation on a particular act or object needed to gain arousal. Without this particular object or act, the person with a fetish wouldn’t be able to become aroused. A kink, however, will enhance someone’s sexual arousal but isn’t necessarily needed to become aroused.
“That means someone with a praise kink will get off when being praised but can also get aroused from other sexual acts. In comparison, someone with a latex fetish can only get off when wearing latex,” John explains.
So, if you have a praise kink, you’re super into hearing compliments and they turn you on. If you absolutely need compliments to get turned on, though, it’s more likely that you have a fetish.
How can I experiment with praise in the bedroom?
Ivanovic tells us that what a praise kink looks like completely depends on the individual. “People may find that certain words or phrases are particularly exciting, while others may respond more strongly to nonverbal forms of praise.”
“Trying anything new with a partner should always be consensual, safe and respectful.”
John adds that, if you think that you may have a praise kink and would like to test it out, the best way to do so is by exploring it. “Before speaking with your partner, think about phrases that you’d like them to say and phrases that are no-gos. Then have a conversation with your partner before hitting the sheets, explaining that you’d like to try out some new phrases before or during sex,” she advises.
“Trying anything new with a partner should always be consensual, safe and respectful,” she adds. “Communication, consent and boundaries are crucial when exploring any kink or fetish, it’s important to make sure that everyone is comfortable and happy with what is happening.”
If you’re stuck on what to say, try compliments, affirmations and praise such as “good girl” specific instructions or commands like “do it again,” or positive feedback in a specific sexual context like, “you’re so good at that”. Some other phrases John recommends trying are:
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“You’re a good… (girl/ boy/ term of endearment).”
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“I love when you do (sexy act).”
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“You took that so well.”
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“You look so amazing in that outfit.”
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“I’m so proud of you.”
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“You’re doing such a good job.”
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“You have no idea how much you turn me on.”
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“I can’t stop thinking about that time you did that (sexy act).”
Is a praise kink part of BDSM?
Though it’s different from other types of BDSM activity like restraining or wax play, for instance, praise is a big part of the BDSM community. John explains that it may be seen as a softer form of BDSM by some people but it often goes hand in hand with other kinks such as degradation.
“Someone who takes on the role of a submissive may like to receive words of affirmation and degradation as part of their kink, while also enjoying being tied up or spanked. The submissive partner may play with power by teasing and playing with their partner while being spoken to in a degrading manner. Still, once they give in to their partner, they want to be spoken to affirmingly.”
This mixture of praise and degradation can be a fun experimentation within power play.
Why do some people have praise kinks?
Unlike other kinks, a praise kink is pretty easy, as it doesn’t require special skills or equipment. That’s what makes praise so unique in the BDSM scene, fun and non-committal to try. John adds, “You can take it anywhere. If you’re at the grocery store with your partner and are excited to spice things up, you can use words of affirmation to get them excited before heading home.”
The science behind why someone might develop a praise kink is murky, like a lot of sex science. It’s an under researched topic, so we don’t know a whole lot about it. However, John explains that kinks and fetishes can sometimes be traced back to a person’s childhood and their attachment/relationship with their parents. “For some people it may fill the emotional void from not receiving praise during childhood.”
“While the research into praise kinks is limited, praise kinks seem to be gendered, with more cis women and non-binary folks being turned on by words of affirmation rather than cis men.”
However, this theory is heteronormative, and John stresses the importance of remembering that all people —and their kinks — are complex, multifaceted, and nuanced.
Ivanovic adds that “some experts believe that the popularity of praise kinks may be related to the release of feel-good chemicals such as dopamine, associated with pleasure and reward.”
How do I know if I have a praise kink?
If you find yourself feeling turned on when receiving praise or positive feedback from a partner or prospective partner, it may be that you have a praise kink. Additionally, if you find you enjoy incorporating an element of ‘praise play’ into your sexual or BDSM activities this may well be why.
Not everyone will be into praise in the bedroom and that’s OK. Each person is unique and what turns somebody on might not turn on the next person.
Though, Ivanovic notes that not all people who enjoy words of affirmation in the bedroom necessarily have a praise kink.
“Most people who enjoy praise and affirmation do not have a praise kink. Most of us find comfort and validation in receiving praise from those closest to us without it being a kink or even sexual.”
Sometimes, it can feel reassuring to hear compliments in the bedroom as they let us know we’re going in the right direction and that someone’s having fun with us, but it might not be a turn on, per se.
If any of this gets you going, you’re likely to have a praise kink and it might be worth exploring further and exploring the kind of pleasure it can bring. John suggests having some fun exploring the kink, noting what phrases or sentiments turn you on the most, as well as making sure you check in with your partner throughout the process. “After everything is done, check in with your partner again to see how they felt about exploring the kink with you,” she recommends.
Not everyone will be into praise in the bedroom and that’s OK. Each person is unique and what turns somebody on might not turn on the next person. The most important thing is to not judge others for their kinks or fetishes — don’t yuck someone else’s yum!
