Picture this: You just finished a movie marathon of Marvel’s The Avengers and something about Chris Hemsworth’s portrayal of Thor gets you in the mood. You quickly run to the bed, pull out your favorite vibrator and make yourself climax within minutes from your deepest fantasies of Thor taking you to pound town.
Now picture this: A day later, you meet your partner for a romantic candlelit dinner and of course, one thing leads to another until you’re both in bed naked. The sex that you’re having with your partner isn’t necessarily bad, but you can’t help but notice that having an orgasm during partnered sex isn’t nearly as guaranteed as it is when you’re engaging in solo play.
If you read that and thought, “That is definitely me. I can easily reach orgasm when I’m masturbating, but it’s damn near impossible to get off when I’m having sex with someone else,” then you’re not alone. In fact, research shows that while the majority of women can masturbate to orgasm, up to 50 percent of heterosexual women do not orgasm during vaginal sex, even with additional stimulation.
Why can’t I orgasm during partnered sex?
Lisa Lawless, PhD, a clinical psychologist and CEO of sex toy retailer Holistic Wisdom, says that masturbation is often a more effective way to orgasm because “masturbation can create a more conducive psychological state for reaching orgasm as there are no concerns caused by performance anxiety, uneasiness about appearance, pressure to please a partner, and other distractions.”
Besides, when you’re masturbating alone, you usually have no audience, making it easier to relax and enjoy the experience. When you’re stressed about performing, you’re not going to be able to perform. It’s a vicious self-fulfilling prophecy.
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“Women also understand their bodies better, including their preferred erogenous zones, stimulation techniques, and arousal patterns,” Lawless adds. And let’s face it, no one else knows your body better than you do, right?
Speaking of the preferred pleasure zones of our bodies, another reason women may reach orgasm easier during masturbation rather than penetrative sex is due to the reality that most need direct clitoral stimulation to do so. “Rarely do people with vulvas orgasm from penetrative sex alone due to the fact that the majority of nerve endings are found in the clitoris,” Sophia Murphy, doctor of behavioral health, certified sexologist and director of wellness at TBD Health, explains.
Despite the romance films or mainstream porn videos that often depict women orgasming after barely 30 seconds of penetration alone, clitoral stimulation is essential in real life. Because of unrealistic portrayals of sex in pop culture (and lackluster sex ed), some partners might not be aware that stimulating the head of the clitoris is comparable to stimulating the head of the penis.
Furthermore, one of the biggest blocks to orgasming could be that you’re so focused on your partner’s pleasure that you neglect your own. “It’s common that people with vulvas are socialized to focus more on their partner’s needs or not ask for the exact stimulation they need which can contribute to a decreased ability to orgasm during sex with a partner,” Murphy continues. “When engaging in masturbation it’s common for people to report feeling less pressure to perform and the ability to relax and enjoy the experience is enhanced.”
Though, just because someone struggles to orgasm during partnered sex doesn’t mean that all hope is lost. Here are some ways that women can incorporate their masturbatory routine into penetrative sex with a partner:
Should I try mutual masturbation?
Incorporating mutual masturbation with your partner can be a great way to introduce your masturbatory routine into your sexual routine together. Megwyn White, certified sexologist and director of education at Satisfyer, suggests taking turns “Start by touching yourself separately, so you and your partner can see what turns the other on and what makes them feel stimulated. Slowly and with consent you can start to touch each other and then move into foreplay and penetrative sex.”
“Start by touching yourself separately, so you and your partner can see what turns the other on and what makes them feel stimulated.”
Mimic your masturbation routine with different sex positions
If you have a habit of masturbating on your stomach then opt for a modified version of doggy style where you’re lying flat on your stomach and your partner penetrates you behind. By doing so, you can place your hand underneath your vulva and grind against it during sex. Feel free to get directly on top of your partner too and grind your clitoris against their pelvis from above if that’s more comfortable.
Use sex toys
Many sex toys for vulvas are specifically designed to stimulate the clitoris directly through air pressure, sucking motions, and more, so don’t be afraid to bring out your favorite clitoral vibrator when you’re getting freaky. White suggests using pleasure devices such as the Satisfyer Double Whale or Satisfyer Swordsman because both can provide stimulating elements to both parties.
Focus more on body exploration
Allow yourself to freely explore your body during penetrative sex. “Exploring highly erogenous zones like your nipples, or clitoris can not only help increase arousal but also help to send the message to your body that you are safe and in charge of your own pleasure and can be a huge turn-on for your partner as well,” White says.
It’s also important to remember that sex isn’t just about orgasms. Of course, orgasms feel amazing. And yes, we should be advocating for our pleasure at all times. However, it could be useful to expand our outlook on what’s “supposed to happen” during a sexual experience. Sex is way more than a goal-oriented action that must end in a mind-blowing finish every time. Besides, sex can still feel amazing even when you don’t cum. So, don’t worry if it takes you longer to get there (or if you don’t get there at all) when you’re having sex. With effective communication, more time for exploration, and more incorporation of your masturbation routine, you’re still taking ownership of your own pleasure — and what’s more empowering than that?
