If a friend is causing more strife than joy, you’re not alone: in a Bumble BFF survey from January, 32 percent of respondents said they’re not satisfied with the friendships they have in their lives.
Sometimes, we need to cut the cord in order to grow. We asked experts how to break off a toxic friendship — kindly.
Do I want to end a friendship?
Know that conflict is a normal and healthy part of every friendship, said female friendship coach and Bumble BFF’s friendship expert Danielle Bayard Jackson. While we might think of friendships as fun and easy, the reality is they’re relationships that need maintenance.
“That said, ‘friendship pruning’ is very common as many of us go through new stages of life,” Jackson noted. And people are feeling that now: 25 percent of respondents in the Bumble BFF survey said they’re stuck in outdated friendships that no longer serve them, while 68 percent said they’re a different person now compared to the person they were when they met their best friends/closest friends.
‘Friendship pruning’ is very common as many of us go through new stages of life.
“We can outgrow friendships and stay too long out of loyalty or history,” said licensed psychotherapist and author of Boundary Boss, Terri Cole, “but it is your job to be discerning about who gets the privilege of being in the VIP section of your amazing life.”
Only you can make the decision to end a friendship. Jackson laid out some questions to ask yourself when identifying a potentially friendship-ending conflict:
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Is this a conflict that you are willing to compromise on?
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Do these conflicts happen more often than not?
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Do the conflicts become more hurtful over time?
It is your job to be discerning about who gets the privilege of being in the VIP section of your amazing life.
“If the troubles of the friendship outweigh the overall value that it adds to your life,” she added, “it might be time to end that friendship.”
Cole also offered questions to ask about the friend themself:
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Can I trust them?
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Do I respect them?
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Do we bring out the best in each other?
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Does this friendship energize or deplete me most of the time?
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Do they care about and respect me?
“If you can answer yes to the questions above and they energize you more than they deplete you, then the friendship is adding value to your life,” Cole said. “If you answered no to more than a few you might need to work on your communication and boundary setting.”
If you’re in the latter camp, Cole recommends reflecting on how honest you are with your friend about your preferences, limits, and deal-breakers — meaning, your boundaries. If you already set regular boundaries and your friend doesn’t honor them, it’s time to have a conversation to share your frustrations.
“If the person is toxic or the relationship regularly causes you anxiety, frustration and suffering — it is time to cut them [loose],” said Cole.
The word “toxic” is thrown around a lot these days, but it’s true that some people just don’t serve you. Signs of a toxicity could be feeling drained after spending time together, or feeling like you’re not heard or can’t be yourself around them, said relationship expert and certified sex therapist at SexualAlpha, Aliyah Moore.
There may be a slew of reasons why you don’t want to break it off — misplaced loyalty, fear of rejection, and guilt, to name a few. The truth is, though, staying in these relationships can build up resentment towards the other person, Cole said. You’re also not being honest with yourself or your friend.
How can I end a toxic friendship?
Before committing to a script, Cole recommends energetically backing away from the friendship by not responding immediately and politely declining plans. The feeling of not vibing with the friendship anymore might be mutual! The mutual backing out of a friendship is what Jackson calls the “friendship fade-out.”
It may be the case, though, that it’s not mutual, and you have to have a conversation. Do so privately in a mode that fits for the friendship, whether it be FaceTime or face-to-face. Choose the right time and place, and avoid public situations where your friend may feel embarrassed, Cole said.
The mutual backing out of a friendship is what Jackson calls the “friendship fade-out.”
Acknowledge that it’s okay to end a friendship, Moore said. “You don’t have to feel guilty or bad about doing what is best for you.”
Jackson has a three-part conversation formula:
1. Show your intention at the top of the conversation to set the tone and expectation. This can be like, “So, I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately…” or “I have something on my mind that I would like to talk to you about…”
2. Address your needs and don’t play the blame game. Use ‘I’ statements as much as you can; rather than “you are never there for me when I need you..,” try saying “I need friendships in my life that can prioritize and support me in times of need.”
3. Tell them how much you appreciate them and what your intention is for moving forward. This could be, “I have appreciated our friendship so much and you have been such an integral part of my life. However, I won’t be able to show up in this friendship in the same way that I have before.”
If your friend gets emotional, listen to them. While you can’t control how they react, you can control how you express yourself. Be prepared for a range of possible emotions, Moore said, whether it be sadness, anger, or confusion. Try to remain calm and compassionate, even if the now-former friend isn’t. “Showing understanding and empathy will help to ensure that the relationship ends in a peaceful manner,” she said.
Be honest and respectful — and don’t ghost. As with most advice, however, there are caveats. If your friend threatened your safety and talking with them would make you feel unsafe, you can end the friendship abruptly and without explanation, Jackson said.
Take time to grieve the relationship as you would a romantic one. It’s natural that emotions will come up, even if this is something you want to happen. Respect both your process and theirs; it’s okay if it takes time, especially if you were friends for a long time.
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What if we have mutual friends?
If you have mutual friends, you may want to skip “ending” the friendship entirely and back away from the individual instead, said Cole.
“Relationships morph and change so being unavailable for an individual relationship does not need to necessarily ruin the group experience,” she said. If you “cut off” the individual completely, though, it will change the dynamic of the group.
If you need to decline group invitations because you know that person will be there, do so, Jackson said. When you’re ready to see them again, be cordial; you don’t have to pretend to be excited to see them, but you don’t have to make it awkward, either.
Don’t put the burden of this on your other friends, Jackson continued. Try to refrain from gossiping or making them pick sides. This may be a good opportunity to branch out and make new friends, or reconnect with old ones not in the friend group.
Through it all, take care of yourself, said Moore. If you’ve read this far, you likely want to be empathetic in this journey — that’s more than a lot of people can say when ending relationships. Be kind to yourself and give yourself grace, just as you would to this ex-friend or anyone else.
“Ending a friendship can be difficult,” Moore acknowledged, “but it is sometimes necessary for the sake of your mental health and wellbeing.”
