Falling in love, with the aid of rose-tinted glasses, we experience something called the “honeymoon stage” — the blissful carefree period of a relationship where your partner can do no wrong, from endearing eating habits to their endlessly fascinating opinions on classic films.
However the honeymoon stage is exactly that: a stage. Somewhere between a few months to a few years into the relationship, these intoxicating feelings begin to fade. A primal panic begins to surge: did I pick the right person? This is the beginning of what’s been termed the “power struggle stage” — a term that’s gaining traction on TikTok. The hashtag #powerstrugglestage has amassed 101.2K views on TikTok, with people sharing their experiences and advice for making it through this tricky time. But where exactly does the term come from?
The power struggle stage is one of the five stages of a relationship as identified by psychologist and self-help author Dr. Susan Campbell in her 1980 book The Couple’s Journey. Campbell defines the power struggle stage as “when your partner’s flaws become apparent, and the focus turns to trying to change your partner, punish them for not being what you think they once were, or both. This is the stage that most couples get stuck in because they do not have the skills or tools needed to find a balance.”
When does the ‘power struggle phase’ happen?
So, at what point does the power struggle strike? “The power struggle stage can happen at any point in a relationship,” explains Pippa Murphy, sex and relationship expert at condoms.uk, a sexual health brand. “But it’s more likely to manifest itself during this [post-honeymoon] period because there are so many changes taking place — both physical and emotional. For example, when you start spending time at each other’s house, move in together, or even get married.”
This rude awakening comes with the realisation that your partner has annoying habits and shortcomings like the rest of us.
When those rose-tinted glasses come off, we are able to see our partner for who they really are — flaws and all. This rude awakening comes with the realisation that your partner has annoying habits and shortcomings like the rest of us.
“You begin to argue about who should do what around the house, who makes more time for the other person, or even who makes more money,” says Murphy. “This is the stage when you’ll likely get very frustrated with each other because it takes a lot of effort and selflessness to put someone else’s needs before your own.”
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Power struggles put your relationship to the test
Coming to this realisation, with its differences, disappointments and disagreements, is why the power struggle stage is often the hardest stage in any relationship. “At the beginning of a relationship, couples are always on their best behaviour and are super polite and kind to the person that they’re dating,” Murphy adds. “However, as couples get more familiar and comfortable with each other, they tend to let their guards down and show an unvarnished version of themselves. Both parties tend to focus on getting what they want rather than making their partner happy.” As both partners battle to feel heard and to have their needs met, tension and tempers can rise.
If this all sounds a bit doom and gloom, hold off packing your bags. Fortunately, there are two types of power struggles in relationships: positive and negative. Positive power struggles involve couples reacting to each other in a constructive way, which facilitates communication and helps to establish healthy relationship boundaries.
In heterosexual relationships in particular, traditional gender roles and the unequal division of labour can make way for power imbalances. These uneven power dynamics can spell trouble for both your relationship and your desire to have sex, with one study finding an unequal division of housework associated with lower sexual desire in heterosexual relationships. Meanwhile, a 2021 study on heterosexual couples found that objective differences in power don’t typically affect a relationship, but rather how each partner perceives these differences and their personal level of power. The study also found that balanced power dynamics were associated with greater relationship satisfaction, higher libido, and increased emotional well-being.
When partners fail to communicate their wants and needs in a healthy manner, or begin to rely on weaponised incompetence, is when negative power struggles occur. This tug of war can lead to hostility and vindictiveness where partners are motivated by their desire to gain control over the other person.
“There’s a saying that you can choose to be right, or you can choose to be happy,” explains Hayley Quinn, dating expert for Match. “The power struggle phase is also characterised by an unwillingness to compromise and a need to ‘win’ in an argument. Rather than focusing on day to day happiness within the relationship, you might become focused on one person capitulating to the other.”
If you succeed in making it through this stage, congratulations you are now entering into a mature relationship. If you don’t, you break up.
Modern dating is falling short
However, the reality is many relationships are falling at this vital hurdle. Rising rampant individualism in the current dating climate is damaging our ability to form healthy long-standing relationships. People have developed a low tolerance for bad relationships and are more aware than ever of what constitutes toxic and unhealthy behaviour. This is a positive step forward, however it can also mean we are less and less likely to cut our partners some slack in the name of love, expecting a partner to slot seamlessly into our established lives.
“If your partner has this kind of attitude, then it’s likely that they’ll act selfishly in your relationship as well,” says Murphy. “This could mean that they don’t want to share responsibilities when it comes to taking care of the house, or they make plans with friends without consulting you first. It could also mean that they’re always late for dates and rarely show up when expected because something else came up that was more important to them than being on time for your date night plans.”
Adopting a “me first” mentality can hinder the development of enduring, meaningful relationships. Those typically require selflessness and a willingness to sacrifice for the benefit of the relationship, rather than pulling out your phone and looking for other options at the first opportunity.
We have high expectations of our partners to fulfil multiple roles as cheerleaders, passionate lovers, and occasional therapists; expectations that are often disappointed. Cultural norms have created an environment where it’s easier to cut your losses and resume swiping than stick things out.
How to survive the power struggle stage
However, if you decide the relationship is worth persevering, Quinn has some advice for making it through this crucial stage. “This is of course about balance. Having a healthy degree of self love, and being able to advocate for yourself, is important for all of our real relationships, not just our romantic ones. You may also have been in a previous relationship where your boundaries weren’t respected, so feel a stronger need to be vigilant this time around.”
However, learning to communicate and deal with conflict is the only way to ever get that long-term relationship status. “This awareness of your own needs has to be balanced with the ability to listen to what your partner needs,” says Quinn. “You won’t always be aligned in terms of what you want, but if you can communicate without discussions getting heated, look into compromise options and be prepared to agree to disagree, then this is more of a realistic trajectory for a real relationship, than a long lasting honeymoon phase.”
Remember, power struggles and arguments are normal parts of a relationship; they’re not necessarily a sign that it’s the end of the road or that your partner isn’t the one. Rather than running for the hills, understand that the power struggle stage is necessary and gives the opportunity, through good communication, to get to the real deal. Mature, long-lasting love.
